Gateways

Engaging a Child’s Attachment Instincts – The Four Steps

.Neufeld emphasizes that ‘children were never meant to take direction from those to whom they are not attached.’ (see Hold On to Your Kids, Ch 6). As such, the following must always be done before making any attempt to change or lead or direct a child’s behavior or attention. “Collecting” before we direct is the primary missing ingredient in most disciplinary approaches and, without it, adults often default to coercive, behavior-based modes of discipline that are rooted in separation and which, therefore, employ alarm to move the child.

1. “Collect” the child’s eyes, smiles and nods. We move into the child’s space in a friendly way with an aim to attract the child’s eyes (unless the child is averse to eye contact); we share a point of levity with the aim to light up a child’s genuine smile, and engage the student in something that brings him into agreement with a nod of the head. These gestures activate the natural attachment instincts. When all three of these elements are present, the heart opens, the child is prepared to follow our lead. After a child is collected, we can come alongside the child and invite the desired behavior.

2. Provide something which the child can hold onto. We remind the child that we, the adults, hold the unbreakable tether. Providing our attention, interest and enjoyment, we offer unwavering emotional warmth, in gesture and word so they are moved to hold onto us. We “bridge” all separations right away, including anything that gives rise to students’ suspecting that they might not be in our good graces; we bridge over all separations recesses, weekends and holidays, emphasizing the next point of contact; we bridge challenging behavior episodes, affirming a child’s best intentions and emphasizing that no behavior could ever harm the relationship.

3. Invite dependence, rather than push for independence. We don’t need to push a flower to grow and we don’t need to push a child to mature or behave when they are ready; until then we, the adults to whom they are entrusted, must compensate for them in all areas. This allows emotional rest and growth to occur at nature’s command, not ours.

4. Act as the child’s compass point. We orient the children in our care and take advantage of any ‘orientating void’ they might experience, inserting ourselves into situations and taking up the role of guide. We are the “alpha” in the relationship hierarchy so that our students can come to the place of the psychological rest required for organic growth at all levels. This “provider” stance reactivates attachment instincts and moves children to remain close, to feel protected and to follow our lead. (Hold On to Your Kids 180ff.)

When he offered his indications regarding education, Steiner could presume healthy working attachments to a greater degree than we typically can nowadays; they were a more dominant and binding force of the cultural fabric in which he lived. As such, the act of collecting children occurred more intuitively. Today, Waldorf education is not exempt from the common need for a more conscious undertaking of attachment-building in order to win, protect and guide future generations.

For Steiner, a child’s educational life depends on sound pedagogy, and such a pedagogy aims to support the whole child to develop into full person hood. For Neufeld, everything depends on sound attachments, including whether or not a child can truly learn from a teacher, remain receptive to adult guidance, and whether key aspects of the pedagogy can have their intended influence. Neufeld’s offerings can also be viewed as essential for spiritual growth, which is critical for enlivening the senses and supporting every child’s development at the deepest levels. Neufeld reminds us that according to nature’s plan, it is right relationships and soft hearts that allow children to achieve their full potential and to become more human and humane.

Misunderstanding what constitutes genuinely healthy relational attachments has resulted in perhaps the greatest sin of omission in modern education, even when parents and educators truly value connection. At the same time, Waldorf schools are in an ideal position to play a central role in advancing nature’s vital relational practices, as offered to us by Dr. Neufeld. One hundred years after the birth of Waldorf education, deliberately cultivating school cultures that are “attachment-conscious” may not only be timely, but may be essential for the future of the movement. Doing so allows parents and teachers to assume fully their rightful roles as the proud protectors of children’s hearts.

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References: To learn more about the work of Dr. Gordon Neufeld, visit https://neufeldinstitute.org.

Gordon Neufeld is the co-author of Hold On to Your Kids - Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers Gordon Neufeld, PhD and Gabor Maté, MD. 2013 Vintage Canada (a division of Random House); Toronto.

Gail Nielsen is a Canadian psychotherapist, parent coach, writer and education consultant, specializing in Waldorf communities. She has counselled and coached individuals, couples and families for over twenty years. Harmonizing the work of Rudolf Steiner with the relational-developmental approach of Canadian developmental psychologist, Dr. Gordon Neufeld, she supports Waldorf faculty and parents in understanding the art and science of emotion and the central role primary relationships play in healthy child development and learning. She also offers a course entitled, Waldorf Parenting for the 21st Century. Gail lives in southern Ontario with her husband and two sons.

Relational Attachment and “Collecting Our Children” in Waldorf Schools - A Brief Summary

By Gail Nielsen MA, RP

Perhaps the most commonly cited concept Canadian psychologist, Dr. Gordon Neufeld’s, approach to caring for children is his call to “collect before you direct.” This means that in a school setting children must be emotionally attached to their teachers in order to learn and grow and it is the adults in the relationship dance who are responsible for creating the right conditions for students to form healthy attachments. If a child ‘falls out of attachment,’ the teacher must re-establish connection by “collecting” the child back into the safe womb of the attachment before any change in behavior can be requested – or expected – as it is only from within this safe relationship that a child’s heart opens enough to be guided.

From Neufeld’s relational-developmental perspective, attachment is the preeminent protective measure for maturation and has its source deep in the physiology of the child, and this was intuitively understood and acted out in ages past. The collecting ritual must take place with a higher level of consciousness in our times. Attachment’s opposite, “separation” (including perceived separation), always activates one of the three core human emotions: alarm, frustration or the pursuit of proximity. Most challenging behaviors in the classroom are a result of a child being moved by one of these emotions. Yet, Dr. Neufeld points out that an adult can bring a child to emotional rest by collecting his “eyes, a nod and a smile,” anchoring the relationship back into place by using these basic connecting devices. This allows the relationship to remain intact, even when a teacher must request a change in behavior. Collecting is what allows for “discipline that doesn’t divide.” (see Hold On to Your Kids, Ch. 16).

Waldorf education has always placed great importance on human relationships and human connection. Examples include encouraging later enrollment in early schooling; aiming for a single main lesson teacher to stay with a class through the elementary years; activities such as ‘taking a child into sleep’ and vocalizing as groups; and the study of mythology and folk tales that support an under standing of human relating. Greeting a child at the door of the classroom each morning stresses the intention of teacher to truly see and embrace a student. Living by rhythms and using naturally sourced materials encourages a healthy attachment to the natural world. Consensus models for decision making help to cultivate attachments at the faculty and board levels.

Love between students and teachers and the familiarity of one’s community are hallmarks of the Waldorf model. Yet, love and physical proximity are not synonymous with safe attachment. In fact, all these examples are based on forms of closeness that can exist outside the womb of attachment. They can be part of everyday experiences in a school while the key relational attachments can be nonexistent, weak or injured. Attachment should never be taken for granted simply because the teacher cares for the child and things appear to function well enough, e.g. the child appears agreeable, the relationship seems established, child and teacher have known each other for a certain length of time, etc. Remaining physically close, even when coupled with excellent teaching skills or genuine feelings of love for a student, does not guarantee that critical attachments take hold. Nor is it enough to meet a range of otherwise essential needs, including those addressed through the inherently therapeutic measures of the Waldorf pedagogy. If safe attachments are not in place, well-intentioned activities, even those based in a sound curriculum, may actually be working against the natural order required for the students’ flourishing. This can leave a teacher at a loss if she believes herself to be present and attentive to students’ needs, executing the pedagogy impeccably or “doing all the right things,” yet students continue to exhibit academic or behavior challenges. In turn, relationships, as well as class and school climates all suffer.

Neufeld’s insights into development remind us that winning a child’s heart requires that the child’s “attachment instincts” be activated and satiated in the right ways, according to nature. A child’s experiences of separation can occur on a regular basis and tenuous attachments can be broken in an instant and must be consciously re-established. Collecting may be required to maintain safe attachments on a day-to-day or even an hour-to-hour basis.